I met Jeff (my now husband) 4 months after my first relationship ended. It probably wasn’t a good time to meet the love of my life, but, hey, God knew what he was doing.
My first boyfriend had effectively shredded my confidence for over a year and a half. He mostly used words and tears and manipulation, but he also threw in the occasional punch or wrapped his fingers tightly around my neck.
I was eventually reduced to a puddle. A blubbering, idiotic, desperate, insecure puddle of someone I never, ever wanted be. It was bad.
It was so bad that someone who didn’t know me that well texted me during that psychotic relationship and asked me why I was letting someone treat me so terribly.
I didn’t have a good answer.
Her response: “Well, it’s really surprising. I’ve always thought, “Carmen is so strong! She doesn’t take crap from anyone.””
I read that and sobbed. Another text buzzed.
“I hope things get better. Come Back Strong Carmen!”
That text message got me thinking about the disconnect between my perceived strength and that dysfunctional, abusive relationship.
I realized…
When it came to study and discipline and performance, I was strong.
When it came to responsibility and resourcefulness, I was strong.
When it came to conviction, compassion, and communication, I was strong.
But when it came down to issues of trust – especially trusting God and trusting others in relationships – I was weak. Incredibly weak.
It came down to this: The reason I didn’t end that relationship was because I was fearful that if I did, I would never be loved or wanted again. Even though the “love” I was receiving was painful and twisted, and it was…something. So I was afraid to let go of “something” and possibly get nothing in return.
I know. In hindsight, it’s ridiculous and sad and it makes me cringe, but I’m 100% sure that I’m not the only person who’s been there. And there are still plenty of people who are still there.
We end up there because we believe something wrong about God. We believe that He isn’t trustworthy.
I believed (though I would’ve never said it out loud): That there’s really no one you can truly trust – you have to control your circumstances or you will lose out.
Basically, I believed that FOMO + distrust + a dash of control-freak tendencies = reality.
And ironically, that mindset did exactly what I was trying to avoid – it put me under the control of a young, immature boy who didn’t care about me, and I lost my strength and joy.
What makes it even worse: I was a Christian during that relationship. I knew what God wanted and what He did not want. I knew that He wanted me to be empowered and worshipful and free to enjoy my life. I also knew that He did not want me to be beaten down or under the control of a person – someone who’d I’d made an idol.
And yet – because I didn’t truly trust God that He would provide something better beyond that short-sighted relationship, I stuck with it for way too long. I thought, “Hey, this guy treats me pretty bad, but if I do everything I can think of to make him happy, then eventually things will be good. I can control this. It’s better than ending the relationship – because how do I know that I’ll find someone better? I must not be that lovable, considering the way he talks to me, so he might be the only person who will ever want me. I don’t want to go through life alone.”
I know, I know. It’s cringey. But don’t judge me too harshly, world. I was eighteen years old and stupid and even more insecure than I thought I was. I think most of us – especially in matters of receiving love – are more insecure when we think we are. And I think that insecurity is rooted in a distrust of a loving God who promises amazing things.
From there, the revelation continued.
When I realized that I didn’t really trust God, I started to pray a lot. A lot. Like, prayer in the morning, prayer during walks, prayer journaling, prayer in the bathtub, prayer in the shower, prayer before I fell asleep every night. It was partly because prayer took my mind off the devastation of that relationship when it finally ended (obviously a very good thing, though it didn’t feel that way at the time.)
Partly because I never, ever wanted to be that puddle of a person again. I wanted to trust God – but my mind and heart continued to falter.
After a month or so of all that praying, God made something crystal clear. I was 19, and after he told me something that changed me from the inside out.
“You believe that I don’t want you to have a good, happy, powerful life. You believe that I’m holding you back from the best things in life, trying to make you inferior to other people. You believe that I don’t love you as much as I love other people. You believe that I’ve destined you for a life that is subpar.”
My breath went out of me. Tears stung. He was right. I did believe that.
“Carmen, that’s not the truth. I didn’t die for you to believe that.”
Well, folks, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t end up in a ball on the floor crying, convicted and happy and free and reeling from the fact that God – most definitely God Himself – just spoke directly to my distrustful little heart. The fact that the God of the universe just reassured me that 1) He knows I exist, 2) that He intimately knows my concerns, and 3) that He died for me to have extreme trust in His goodness and plan for my life was just a little too much for me to take in on that mid-summer afternoon, now almost seven years ago.
Sometimes it still is.
I’ll conclude with this: Once upon a time, someone asked me what marriage advice I would give to single women. Honestly and truly the only thing I could think of at the time was – “Marry someone like Jeff.”
And I meant it.
Jeff loves me more than anyone who knows me so well ever should. He loves me in his words and actions. He loves me authentically. He loves me spectacularly. I could go on and on and on and list all the adorable, romantic, kind, things he does but instead I’ll just say this: On a regular basis, he makes me feel like I am the most special person on the planet. He is 100% a gift from a God who clearly loves me like crazy.
So, now that I think about it, the only thing I would add to my advice to single ladies who are praying for future husbands (besides marrying someone like Jeff) would be….
Trust God.
Really, really trust Him that he’s got your back. Believe that He made you to experience life to the full, and that means receiving good things and experiencing real love.
He is trustworthy. He died for you to believe that.