Real talk... This is the story of a very imperfect woman finding a very imperfect man and living happily ever after. I'll never forget the way I felt the day I ended a relationship that for the last 3 1/2 years I had planned to end in marriage. I felt like a failure in a thousand and one ways. The way that hurt the most, was that I had become a failure for my future husband. I gave up a lot that should have been his: emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, you name it. In my head, I was picturing this perfect man who I had hurt because I had missed God's calling for the last 3 plus years. I remember I went to the park a few days into this new stage of singleness and I opened up the journal to my future husband that I had neglected for a few years, even having to painfully tear out a few of the pages that I had addressed to the wrong one. I started writing. This is what I wrote:
"Where do I even begin? I have a million and one reasons to apologize to you. I have made so many worthless commitments in the last 3 1/2 years and so many mistakes that all I can do is empty myself and start over. My heart has been on quite the journey lately and all I can do right now is focus on rebuilding my life. I lost myself for a bit. I lost who I am, who I want to become and what I want my life to be and I never want to experience that again. While reading in Matthew today I stumbled on an underlined passage: 'For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy- full of greed and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee. First wash the inside of the cup and the dish and the outside will become clean too.' This is how I shall rebuild my life. One step at a time. I want and need to be worthy of you. Love, Alli"
This was my focus. Some days were better than others. Some days I rocked at following Jesus with my everything, somedays I followed my own desires. Eventually I got to a place of consistency. I Began working full time for the church, desiring to commit my life to obedience to Christ in all things and teaching others to do the same. That is when I met him; the one.
The first date was picturesque. There was so much detail and thought put into it. We were total dorks together. We bought each other ugly outfits at the flea market, went to dinner in them and then painted with water colors in a little made up game he had come up with. Then it was time, time for me to lay out all the ugliness because I had reached a point where I knew I was undeserving of him, and he needed to know what I had done. It was a take it or leave it moment in my mind. We sat down and I told him my story. I opened pretty much all of it to him because I wanted to be honest about what he was getting into. Then it was his turn. All I was expecting was maybe a "Well in the 3rd grade I cheated on a math test" or "One time my brother and I shot a rocket into the window of our neighbor's house." Instead, what I got was a sinful and broken past, just like mine. WHAT?!? I thought he was going to be perfect! I mean he looks so squeaky clean now. All this time I was terrified of how my decisions were going to effect him, when God was wanting to heal those wounds and help me move on. And me not forgiving myself actually kept on for a while and really acted as a stumbling block in our relationship after that. Luckily, God gave me a very, very patient and gentle man.
God has worked a lot on my heart since then. And though I know I am undeserving of the man I was given, my husband feels that he is undeserving of the woman he was given. God truly redeems the lives of those who love Him and He is a good good Father. He wants good things for His children.
I wanted to end with an insert from the vows he wrote for me and presented to me after our reception. I want to include this because it is what every daughter of Christ desires and deserves, whether she knows it or not. And this is proof that even someone like me can end up in a godly relationship. "I promise to pray for you, our future kids and grandkids everyday of our lives. I will try to love and depend on God more than you. I will always point you to God. I will always gently correct you. I will submit to you as you submit to me. I will never forsake God. I will bring up our kids as Jesus followers. I will never raise my voice to you, our kids or our grandkids. I will pray with you everyday and read Scripture weekly with you. I will never cheat on you physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. I will never look at porn. I will only have eyes for you. I will lead our family in following wherever God calls us, for however long God calls us. Jesus will be the center of our lives and He will call the shots. We will not follow the American dream. As we become one, I will fully be yours."
As you are praying for this man, pray for a man you don't deserve. God wants you to have him.