“But now, this is what the LORD says- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.’” Isaiah 43:1
God’s loving plea to “Fear not”, was a fitting answer to my prayers that started five years earlier as a 16-year-old. Looking back through my prayer journal, I noticed my prayers for a husband began not out of love, but rather fear. Fear of being alone or with someone unloving consumed my lovesick teenage thoughts. But as God has done many times before, he met me where my heart was at and began leading me to his greater plan.
Prayers that started with voicing my fears led to God showing me the ways I was already loved as a bride. God took me on a path through Song of Solomon. Through these verses, God told me how much he loved me as an individual. Song of Solomon discusses the love between a man and his beloved, but it also speaks of God’s unique love for his people – his bride. The man in the story speaks to his bride and complements her in ways that are unique to her culture, unique to her interests, and relatable to her alone. In the same way, I started to take notice of God loving me, through nature, art, and how I felt about myself. He was taking the time to love me uniquely. In this way, God changed my heart. The fear of being unloved became eclipsed by the knowledge of His love for me.
After that revelation, my prayers for my husband began to transform into prayers for his heart, salvation, and daily life. I also got to reflect on my own heart and ways I needed to grow for the sake of a marriage someday. This became the tone of my prayers for my husband for the next few years, during which, boys came and went. I shared heartaches with God and healing always followed. Not a moment was wasted. Each boy who walked through my life showed me traits I did and did not want in the man I would share my life with. Each heartache I encountered only highlighted the characteristics of my husband and the story of how we met.
When I was 21, I met Ryan through our scholarship houses. We were getting to know each other quite well since I was in the process of setting him up with a friend. One fall night on a trip to LifeLight in South Dakota, Ryan surprised me by expressing feelings for me and asked if I would like to start a relationship. No boy had ever been so direct with me before. I was thrown for such a loop I told him I needed time to think it over. A week later, I was still fretting over the idea of starting a relationship. While doing dishes one night God pressed on me the need to read Isaiah 43. Never before had I felt this urgency to read in a certain area of the Bible, so I set the dishes aside and found my Bible. There, God commanded me not to be afraid, reminding me that he knows me. I also took comfort in the later verses,
“Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you”. Isaiah 43:4-5a
God was reminding me of his protective love. I felt God calling me to put aside my fears of a relationship with Ryan and trust that no matter the outcome, God would be with me. I followed his lead and two years later Ryan and I said, “I do”. We have now been married almost three years and Ryan loves me better than I could have hoped to be loved in a marriage. I am so grateful for all those prayers that I believe helped my husband in times of need and also helped me surrender my fears to God and grow closer to Him through my time of waiting.
I hope my story can help you if you are starting a journey in prayer for your spouse. As you can see I didn’t start with grand selfless prayers for a loved one, mine was small and fearful prayers, but God meets us where we are and does not ask us to improve before coming to him. He knows you. He is your creator and loves to hear your desires, hopes, and fears.