Love is pushy and mean. Love is jealous, boastful, proud and rude. It DEMANDS ITS OWN WAY. It is irritable, and it keeps record of being wronged. It does not seek justice or truth. Love will eventually give up, will eventually lose faith, is not hopeful, and cannot endure difficult circumstance BECAUSE it is not strong enough.
Relationships without healthy boundaries will create something like this in our minds, making vulnerability and trust the most exhausting and anxiety provoking mountain we could ever climb. Trust me, I’ve been there; whether the unhealthy boundaries came with an ex boyfriend or family members, we’ve all been let down in our most vulnerable state, and it sucks.
Anxiety eventually began to overthrow my life, I took a lot of time away from guys, engaged in unhealthy relations, spent more time away from guys, and then felt the call and desire from the Lord to start dating…to be vulnerable and to partner in a mystery only God can ever fully understand. After a lot of hard work, tears, and fights with the Lord, I felt as if I was ready. But, just because healing has been coming, it by all means doesn’t mean the healing is finished. I knew I had some heart problems about dating and guys in general and that it was possible I believed some lies undiscovered. Then I thought about my anxiety and that added an even more colorful lens to the picture, so to say the least I knew it would be challenging before I even began. Eventually, the Lord brought along an old friend that turned into a relationship. Although the time with this man didn’t last too long, I got vulnerable pretty quick, he made me feel safe and comfortable (something no man pursing me has made me feel in a very long time).
One thing about anxiety is that it can die, it can be overcome. There are and always will be somethings outside of my control, because anxiety isn’t something you will always be able to understand, sometimes the most illogical things (like plastic table cloths rustling) will set you off into a full panic attack. But one thing dating, and dating someone who is listening to the Lord, has began to teach me, is that anxiety dies when Truth stands up and fights. Lies and anxiety will ALWAYS loose the the Truth.
The Lord has been revealing the lies to me, and let me tell you what - it’s painful. It hurts to realize that you put Love in this the box, or that all guys you meet won’t fit into this little box you’ve created because they are actually meeting standards you have for a Godly man (except most of the time they’re taken so…). My pride takes a hit constantly as I try to figure out what this life looks like along side someone. But healing doesn’t happen overnight and a renewed mind takes a lifetime.
I was spending time with my then boyfriend when the Lord blessed me with some Truth. As we spent time together my woman mind, combined with history and my anxiety began taking over my thoughts. I was no longer able to just simply enjoy the moment I was in and began creating this pretty little (who are we kidding, rather LARGE) binder of the infinite possibilities (the good, the bad, and the ugly) along with all the possible outcomes outcomes. Then, I took this huge highlighter and just went nuts on all terrible things that could happen, completely neglecting the fact that there’s a second option, and not to mention a second person involved.
In that moment, this man did the best thing that could have been done; he made the world stop for me, just because he recognized my reservations. As I sat across the from him, he laid it all out. He calmed my heart by reminding me of his affection for me and how that matters above all else. That our mutual heart for pleasing the Lord trumps what we might want. I sat staring at this man, confused and dumbfounded. Somehow I was expecting a guilt trip and blurred boundaries, but no - that’s not what I got. I got something I have never experienced - patience and kindness for what I was experiencing.
I asked myself, “Why? Why do I feel surprised, and why do I feel like being surprised isn’t the feeling I should be having? Should this be normal? No way, this isn’t normal, is it?”
Then, my Father whispered, “What do you think love is? Who do you think I am? How do I love you?”
I responded with my lies of love.
Then my Father shifted my gaze to the man that just stopped everything to calm my heart and said, “No, you believe lies, let me show you again…
Love is patient and kind. Love is NOT jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does NOT demand its own way. It is NOT irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love NEVER gives up, never loses faith, is ALWAYS hopeful, and endures through every circumstance…because it is STRONG ENOUGH.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Like I said, I never knew it could be like this, experiencing the love Christ has for the Church in a new way is exciting - and it’s just the beginning. Even though I’m single again, there’s still plenty to learn and plenty to be hopeful for. There is so much more to this mystery that I cannot even comprehend, and I wait with anxious anticipation for more revelation, grace, truth, and mercy. To let Love rewrite my script, to give up all of my “truths” and preconceived notions on what love is. This is only where it begins. I will let Love wreck it all, and Love is going to build it all back up.