One thing that I have never done well is fight well. I am the avoider, I run away and don't fix the problem and allow bitterness to build inside of me. I want to strive for something more.
Recently at church, we had a sermon on Working Together and how to work through conflicts. I encourage everyone to listen to this sermon, we all need a little help fighting well. I want to share with you what I learned and hopefully, it will move you as well to fight well.
Let's think about our homes, our lives, our friendships. What is causing conflict in areas of your life? At the root, it is the act of selfishness. The bible warns of this in James 4:1, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?"
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We can easily see in other people their mess but when I look at myself, I cannot admit the mess in my life. I am selfish by thinking that I have done nothing wrong in a situation.
There are several ways that people deal with conflict:
MY way - there is no give and take in this way, only one person is right
NO way - these people run away from conflict (this is me)
YOUR way - these people let the other person win so they don't have to argue
HALF way - "compromise," but this way can stir bitterness in our hearts
OUR way - this is the correct way to solve conflict, we should work together to reconcile the relationship
As we work together through this life, there are many important steps to get through this life. Here are some helpful tips to turn your quarrels from resolution to reconciliation. Let's learn to fight well.
Call on God for Help
As we work to solve conflict with one another, we must call on God for help. It is important to ventilate vertically to God through prayer. God knows all things, he sees more than just my side. He can also see what is best for us, this is why we worship such a GREAT God.
You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. James 4:2b
When we quarrel and fight, it is because we are not reaching out to God. We expect people to meet our needs but it is important to understand that NO one can do what God can do. Run to God, first!
Confess My Part
We must be open to the reconciliation. We must be open to hearing the other person through and through. It cannot only be my way because as we all know, there are two sides to every story and a million sides to every perspective.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5
We all have blind spots and we are judgmental by nature. But if we are self-aware then we are able to have that mark of maturity and can start to remove some of those blind spots.
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8
Convene a Peace Conference
Nothing in our selfishness is going to get better by accident. We must face conflict but only in love and gentleness.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge..." Matthew 5:23-25a
Most importantly, when you are in conflict, your prayers are hindered. Don't let any time pass. We are not to go to bed angry. So when a conflict occurs, end it there. Do not allow any time to pass because only bitterness will grow.
Cut Out Abusive Language
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29
But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Colossians 3:8
Never...
Use or threaten the word "divorce" in a marriage
Use harsh words such as "always" or "never"
Example: You NEVER take out the trash.
Belittle someone, in the end, it only shows our own insecurity
Play mind games or manipulate. We all hate to be vulnerable but we should only mean what we say and say what we mean.
Consider Another's Perspective
It is a very Christ-like quality to be able to consider another person's perspective or put ourselves in their shoes. None of us want to do this because we are selfish. But it is what we are called to do as Christians because that is what Jesus would do.
Be an active listener. All too often we plan what we are going to say when someone is talking instead of listening fully about what they are saying. How selfish are we? Consider why we do this? Because we want someone to hear about our lives, maybe take a moment and listen actively to what the other person is saying and feel what they feel. We do not always have to follow up a conversation with our own story.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:3-5
Winning the argument has little value as compared to restoring the relationship.
Concentrate on Reconciliation, Not Resolution
You may already value the relationship, but are you displaying that to the person you love in the way you fight? Valuing a relationship shows wisdom but to do that we must show purity, mercy, and sincerity. Sometimes we don't need to be understood as much as we need to understand.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:15
As I leave you, consider... Who do you need to reconcile with? How can you use these actions to change your method on how you fight? How can you fight better?
I am on a mission to fight well.